BRIEF NOTES ON FRIENDSHIP

By Fortune Aganbi

Perfect friendship is the friendship of men who are good and alike in virtue; for these wish well alike to each other qua good, and they are good themselves. Now those who wish well to their friends for their sake are most truly friends; for they do this by reason of own nature and not incidentally; therefore their friendship lasts as long as they are good-and goodness is an enduring thing.

– Aristotle, Book VIII of the Nicomachean Ethics

Maybe every friendship is formed strictly on a give-and-take basis? Maybe. Perhaps no company, genuine or fake, exists in an empty room. I believe people stay with people who complement them, people who have something, no matter how basic, to offer in return for what they are giving out.

When we think of friendship, we mostly think about it from a selfish point of view; always wondering with a sense of entitlement what the other person has to offer us; what the other person MUST offer us without paying much attention to what we should be offering. I see this every day. I hear it. It’s on social media. People constantly share other people’s subjective thoughts on friendship in the form of quotes and memes without thinking deeply about what they are sharing. Someone once posted on their social media: “if you are my friend and can handle all my bad behavior, then you are my friend for life.” I found that post incredibly insensitive and selfish, but it was the person who shared it that baffled me the most; this was someone who, two days earlier, shared a quote that explicitly condemned accepting toxicity and lousy behavior, all in the name of friendship. People have too many things to say about friendship, but these opinions are continuously formed based on what they believe they should be getting and not what they think they should be giving out.

When my best friend and I first became friends, many things were not right. We did not just see each other and decide we would be best friends. Fidel and I only started officially referring to each other as best friends only two years ago, after being good friends for about three years prior. The beginning of our friendship was plagued with challenges, and neither of us predicted that we would ever become best friends. While I admired her personality, I was also not very receptive to her. I am like that. I don’t entertain friendships, primarily offline friendships. I tell people that Fidel must have seen something unique in me to have persisted in what would become our friends because she is a conscientious person. I was very dismissive of her at first. I would scream at her with the slightest irritation. What this girl saw in me, I have no idea.

Gradually, we were able to work things out by communicating a lot. And the day we chose to call each other best friends was magical. I had sent her a voice note telling her she was the best thing that had happened to me and that she was my best friend. She was so emotional because I had never used that tag for her before. She revealed that she had considered me her best friend a long time ago but was a little reserved about telling me because she knew I was very blunt and would dismiss her if that weren’t what I wanted. We laughed and from that day till now; we have called each other best friends. And indeed, we are.

Anyway, Fidel is not the point of this post. So I’ll get to business: the brief notes on friendship.

1.  Stages and Phases:

Sometimes, when we fall out naturally with people we used to know, we quickly say they were never our friends. But is that true? I’ve had friends in my past who were impressive, but today we only communicate over the phone once every two months or so. Nothing happened. Life did. For some, it was the distance that killed it. For others, it was a loss of connection. Do I say because we are not as close as we used to be, we were never friends? No. I believe life happens to us in stages and phases, and for each of those phases, there are people we meet that help us navigate that phase either negatively or positively. That you no longer have what you used to have doesn’t mean what existed did not exist. Especially if they were good friends at the time, you were friends.
This is why I tell people that when someone good is “happening” to you, make the most of it and enjoy the process so that you don’t look back and regret it. A good example is my roommate while I was in school. I stayed with Gift for four years. We were friends. I loved her, and she loved me. We saw each other through some of our darkest days in school. We wiped each other’s tears at some points. But since we graduated, we haven’t talked much. Do I still love her the same? Yes. Absolutely yes. When we bump into each other, we make the most of it. But that closeness we used to share isn’t there because we are now faced with different circumstances and realities, and the intimacy we shared wasn’t sufficient enough to transcend the change that came with graduating from school into a different phase of life. She is still my friend, but not in the way in which we were friends in university. University was a phase. Living in a school hostel and having a roommate was a stage. And we went through that stage together. It was the unifying factor. Now that that is out, what is left is our natural fondness for each other.
People should try to understand that life happens in phases and stop getting offended when there is a drifting apart in friendship after a particular phase that ties you and a friend together expires. Some of the friends we knew during our childhood are still our friends, but not in the way they were to us during childhood. Some friends we had in our past whom we have no idea where they are now.
However, I think some friendships are timeless. They are meant to survive every phase and stage of one’s life. My advice is to approach friendship with an open mind and leave room for change.

2. Defining Friendships: 

I have often wondered how people have more than one best friend. One of my younger sisters once told me she had four best friends. I was amazed by the idea. This was about two years ago. She knows better now. But at the time, I told her amongst her four best friends; there had to be one who gave her a different vibe, one to who she was more connected. She denied it. I do not have many friends. I hardly make friends. The same people I’ve been calling my friends for the past 3 – 8 years or so are still the ones I call my friends. Not acquaintances. Friends. But like I always say, every friendship is NOT the same. This is true. When you decide to become friends with a person, what happens is two persons shaped by their own life experiences connect. And everyone’s life experience isn’t the same. So every friend you have will not be friends with you in the same way. This is where categorization comes in. So there are these people you love with your heart who love you in return and will stand by you during hard times and celebrate your wins. But they all do not occupy the same space in your heart. This is because you have experienced each of them differently. In my circle of friends, I have my best friend, which everyone, including my other friends, knows about. I have my close friends, which consist of very few of the most amazing human beings I’ve ever experienced. There are also casual friends. And then there are the acquaintances. And I do not mislead each category. I stay true to each as I should. If I’m referring to an acquaintance, I clearly state that they are an acquaintance. This categorization I have done is based on careful consideration. There are things my best friend has done and would do for me that my close friends or casual friends would never do for me. Likewise, there are things I’d do for my best friend that I wouldn’t do for my close friends. Every friendship has a limit. And that should be the defining factor of that friendship.
Try categorizing the people in your life according to the value exchanged between you and them, and your life will be much easier. Everyone should not be your friend. You can keep healthy and necessary connections without placing a more than-needed value on that connection. Does Sho get it? To some people, I’m only an acquaintance. To some, I’m a necessary friend.

I’ll end this segment by adding that you should never assume with friendships. Make sure you are your bestfriend’s bestfriend. Make sure you are your friend’s friend.

3. Are You a Good Friend?: 

Now, I am flawed in many ways. I fuck up sometimes, but when it comes to friendship, I can safely say I am a good friend. I have searched my heart many times, and I’ve discovered that I do not harbor any intention to hurt, use, manipulate or frustrate the people I call friends. I do not know the right choices for those I call friends, but I believe I am blessed with some of the most remarkable people anyone can wish for. My best friend and close friends especially. While you go about rambling with a sense of entitlement about how your friends owe you good friendship, it is crucial to self-reflect and sees if you are also a good friend. Too many bad friends are on social media complaining about lousy companies. The way everyone complains these days, one can’t help but wonder, “Who come to be the people wey dey do bad friend sef since everyone dey complains?” The truth is, some of you ask for what you can never give and give what you wouldn’t like to take. That is just the bottom line. You crave loyalty and trust, but you betray those closest to you at every opportunity. You are filled with so much unhealthy jealousy and hate. You. I’m talking to you reading this. Are you a good friend? Like this ehn, my best friend knows almost nothing about deeply personal pieces of stuff my other friends have confided in me about. I don’t discuss my best friend’s private affairs with my close or casual friends, except if it’s something that’s already out in the open. Likewise, I don’t bring the personal business of my close and casual friends to my best friend except necessary. I love premium gist o, but I am not that friend that peddles stories of my friends around.

Someone once told Fidel that he heard things about her, and she asked, “Was it Fortune Aganbi that told you?” When he said no, she dismissed him. That’s the level of trust I’ve built with her. Because she is my best friend doesn’t mean I must bring everybody else’s secrets to her table. No. No. No. Secrets are secrets.
And…
If you want a good friend, someone who respects, trusts, and is 100 percent loyal to you, you have to begin by being one. Dem fit fuck up las las, but that won’t be on your conscience. Never be desperate, and most importantly, do not let a good friend suffer for the mistakes of an old friend. Move.

4.  There are no rules:

I firmly believe there is no one template we can use to navigate life. We are very different. There are no complex rules. Don’t try too hard to have the kind of friendships other people have. Yours is different. You might try to imitate other people and destroy yours in the process.

Conclusion:

When we talk about friends we love, we are not saying that forever with them is sure because that’s something we can never know. And in a world where people change too often, we can never be too sure about anyone. We can only hold onto faith and hope that our friends remain our friends for as long as possible. Change is constant. So try as much as possible to enjoy and focus on what is, instead of worrying about what could be. And if a friendship that was once beautiful falls apart, mourn it as you should, then move forward. Resist the urge also to laugh at those who were once close but fell apart.